Kaylysa Ladner

who i am

I'm sitting in the back

with only one thing on my mind,

an addiction is bad i've been clean for nine months,

funny  how one simple mistake

can screw your whole life up

My mom was pregnant nine months

My dad seemed happy

Or so i thought

sure my dad seemed nice

but only for the first two weeks of my life

it is written

in bold black font

with red spots dripping

as if i bleed out every drop

i used to call you dad

as that was all i knew

but now you're just a sperm donor

you feed on the innocence of youth

yes a sperm donor

one that just deposits and leaves

shit you left then came back when i turned 16

thank the lord for that i'm free

i feel not worth it

all because of you dear daddy

the bruises i went to school with

the reason i was scared

while watching every one pass me and stare

they just look but no one cares

take a trip to the moon to just get away

i story isn't told in detail

still not to this day

as you may know

its all because of pain

i just wish someone would notice

the face smile i put on each and every day

someone to mean it when they say

it will be ok

this is who i am

my story still not descriptively told

but here's just a little bit

of what its like

since i was born

see unlike most

my life is not great at the most

i made it to 18

but what does life lead me to next

so i ask

one more time

will it be ok

will i be free or even ok

some may say that happiness is the key

the key to everything even life

but i ask you this when will my happyness begin

Nothing Left But Scars To Prove

Some say that depression is only in the mind yet ,when you live a life like mine you will see the pain that I hide inside of me. Abuse , rape, neglect and more ,pushed down stairs fought for my life finally won the war, but that just it did I really win? Not really because the scars show the pain from where i've been. No kid asks for this is you only knew I never talked  as if I even had a clue . some see i'm outspoken and kind of abrupt but my past has shaped me so ,suck it up, we barely get by from check to check but you know our families strong so nothing can break that, I feel ashamed every day knowing what I have done but the scariest part is that my past has only began, the fear in my eyes the sadness in my soul. God kill me now I have nothing  more . people look at me without a care in the world i'm the fat girl the freak the quiet one no one wants to meat. My life has been hell and for that I call you fools just take one day and have to live by these rules. As for life no I hate it but im playing the game and not going to just end it, ask yourself do you really know what it's like to go what I have been through more than twice. To be scared to even be hugged by a guy. Just know wat check yourself before you judge because you never know this could happen to someone you love. No one has ever cared teachers push me aside but im not asking for sympathy just stating my side there's more to this story you will find out soon but as of right now think and don’t be a fool, save a life stop bullying and hate because that’s what almost took my life that day.

The reason I fight

I fight

For love is one reason

For hate is another

Waiting for someone to love me

I fight for a father

I feel so empty

I fight to not be alone

I fight

For peace is

In this life that god sacrificed

His only son what a gift

I fight for him

That’s why I live

The gospel is everything

Hes set me free

Yes god had made me

The women I want to be

Especially when hope is lost

I know

He’s there to comfort me

You ask why I fight

Well it’s simply a passion of mine

I fight

For family

The one you love but also hate at times

No matter how mad

Sad, or even alone

You know family is your home

I thank god for the blessings I have

Dear lord Jesus

Thank you for saving us

How could I look her in the eyes How could I look them in the eye, my children so curious, asking me why daddy was gone and so out of site? Why wasn’t he home to kiss me goodnight. Mommy is he ever coming home. Or will we always be without a daddy forever alone. It took me a year to tell her exactly what was going on and why I wasn’t happy. The teacher gave the class an assignment and told them to write about a big trip they took this summer. Madison already knew what she would right. The next day the teacher called upon her to present. She started by saying “last summer” the teacher interrupted her and said the assignment was about this summer. Madison replied and said it is but you have to know last summer to understand the trip. She began to speak. Last summer mommy told me my dad was going on a trip and he wouldn’t be back until the end of summer I waited and waited till that day and asked why daddy wasn’t home. Mommy replied told her he had to stay longer. Coming into this summer I asked mommy where my dad was and she said darling has not going to be home yet. She cried and looked up to the heavens for an answer as to why. Mommy woke me up the next morning and said pack a suitcase were going on a trip. I got excited because I didn’t know what was going on, the plane landed and we grabbed a taxi to a yard full of headstones.  Each stone had 2 sets of numbers and a name. I didn’t understand why my mommy has brought me here but then as we walked to the back I saw it. There written on the stone was my daddy’s name. My daddy was a marine he died to protect everyone not only me as I saw that name I couldn’t believe. Madison looked up from reading and said that is the big trip we took she looked around and saw the crying eyes of her fellow classmates the teacher stood up and hugged her tight. The then said baby girl it will be alright. Madison broke down she always held it in then the teacher told her about her husband’s month of June.

My untold story from the e.r

One day at school I was minding my own business and suddenly in p.e class I couldn’t breath they say it could have been because I was running, or even from stress.
I was in the rest room and got very ill. The nurse came in and I almost fell. A student walked in not knowing what to do, the nurse sent her to go get the wheelchair . I was weak and brittle scared out of my mind.
I was wheeled to her office not able to breath. 45 minutes struggling no peace, mom shows up and holds my head I start to pass out. Mom crying a lot, the almost lost me. I was going to god
It wasn’t my time but my blood pressure was high the ambulance came and took me away. Talk around the school knowing it was me , why god oh why, I thought you loved me.
Now i'm home with fear in my veins but what if I left . would people be sad , but I feel i'm loved so im not really sad , my mom was scared so was I . I died once my heart stopped but I glad god didn’t take me, i'm glad i'm alive.